By Siyona Varghese
At around age five, children become deeply interested in the idea of fairness. You’ll often hear phrases like “That’s not fair!” or “Why does she get more than me?” Whether it’s about snack portions, turn-taking, or classroom roles, fairness becomes a hot topic in a 5-year-old’s world.
This interest in fairness is a powerful sign of cognitive and social growth. At this age, children are beginning to understand rules, compare outcomes, and think about justice. But their idea of fairness is often rooted in equality—the belief that everyone should get exactly the same thing. The more nuanced concept of equity—where everyone gets what they need to succeed—takes time to develop.
Helping young children navigate these ideas sets the foundation for empathy, inclusion, and flexible thinking. It’s also an opportunity to teach that fairness is not always about sameness, but about meeting individual needs with respect and understanding.
Why Fairness Matters to 5-Year-Olds
Five-year-olds are developing key social-emotional skills. They are learning how to:
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Take turns and share
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Follow group rules
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Recognize others’ emotions
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Understand basic cause and effect
Because of these growing abilities, they are also starting to compare themselves to others. They notice when someone gets a different reward, more time, or a special privilege—and they often respond emotionally.
This is not just about wanting more. It’s about understanding how the world works. Children use fairness as a way to test boundaries, seek inclusion, and make sense of justice. Teaching them how to think about fairness more deeply supports their overall social development.
Fair vs. Equal: What’s the Difference?
Equal means everyone gets the same thing.
Fair means everyone gets what they need.
For example:
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If one child wears glasses and another doesn’t, giving both glasses wouldn’t be equal or fair.
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If one child needs more time to finish a task because of a learning difference, giving everyone the same time isn’t truly fair.
This distinction may be subtle to adults, but for young children, it requires consistent, age-appropriate explanation and modeling.
How to Help 5-Year-Olds Understand Fairness
1. Use Real-Life Examples
Children learn best from experiences that feel familiar. Use everyday situations to introduce fairness.
Example: “She’s using training wheels because she’s still learning to ride. When you were learning, you had them too. That’s fair for where she is right now.”
2. Read Books About Fairness and Inclusion
Stories allow children to explore fairness from different perspectives. Books with characters who face challenges or need support can open up important conversations.
After reading, ask:
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“What do you think was fair in that story?”
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“Did everyone get the same thing? Why or why not?”
3. Validate Feelings Without Changing the Rules
When a child protests, “That’s not fair!” acknowledge the emotion without automatically giving in.
Say: “It feels upsetting when it looks like someone gets more. Let’s talk about why they needed that today.”
4. Use Visuals and Simple Language
You can use tools like pictures or analogies (e.g., “Fair is everyone getting the help they need”) to reinforce the idea.
5. Encourage Perspective-Taking
Guide your child to imagine how someone else might feel.
Ask: “How would you feel if you had a broken arm and couldn’t carry your backpack? Would it help if a friend helped you carry it? Would that be fair?”
Setting a Consistent Example
Children watch how adults handle fairness—whether it’s with siblings, students, or even coworkers. Model fairness by:
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Explaining your decisions transparently
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Treating others with kindness, even when needs differ
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Avoiding favoritism or comparison-based praise
When children see adults making thoughtful, fair decisions, they are more likely to internalize the same values.
When Fairness Conversations Get Tough
Sometimes, children persist: “But it’s still not fair!” In those moments:
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Stay calm and consistent
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Focus on teaching, not correcting
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Reassure them that being heard is important, even when the outcome doesn’t change
Over time, they will begin to understand that fairness is not about getting the same thing—it’s about everyone getting what they need to grow and feel included.
Final Thoughts
Five-year-olds are just beginning their journey of understanding fairness. While their early cries of “It’s not fair!” can sound demanding, they are really asking deeper questions about justice, equity, and belonging. By helping them see that fairness isn’t always about equality, but about meeting people where they are, we guide them toward empathy, flexibility, and respect for others.
Fairness isn’t always equal—but it is always rooted in care. And that’s a lesson worth learning early.
References
- https://upliftkids.org/blog/how-to-help-when-kids-say-thats-not-fair/
- https://www.edutopia.org/blog/fair-isnt-equal-richard-curwin
